Being without a car, and having it cost me so much all in one go, has changed me a lot.
Every time I get on a bus I find myself sighing with relief and thinking 'Thank goodness someone else is driving!'
I hadn't realised how much I've grown to hate driving. When the car came back I was once again grouchy parent, arriving everywhere feeling mega stressed. I'm not sure anymore how I was in the North East, but I know the extra cars on the roads down here in Yorkshire definitely aren't helping at all. Not only does it take ages to get anywhere but it's stressful. You have to do stuff like watch for someone trying to pull out fo a side street and let them out, or they'd be there all day, likewise you get let out when you're turning right, so you have to watch for people flashing you then go before they get fed up and drive on again. I can't cope with that sort of thing at all. I need driving to ahve concrete rules, the ones I passed my test under. I don't think quickly and intuitively enough to respond to these conditions.
I also can't see in the dark at all anymore. I went to an optician and was given a clean bill of health, so I don't have the night blindness people talk about. But I can't see! The light coming towards me blind me completely, and I can't judgge stuff like speed and distance from moving lights in the dark at all. I've had a few panic attacks which aren't very nice, you still have to get on and move your large lump of metal at speed to keep out of the way. Not recently as I've avoided the places I really can't see which are unlit roads. It's already affected my life as the A1 and A19 are examples of unlit roads so I can't go up home in the winter without carefully planning all my travel to be in the very middle of the day. I almost had a mishap in Leeds a couple of weeks ago with a speeding ambulance in the dark, I got out of the way but couldn't work out what to do next, I was at some lights. And I can't pull onto the motorway easily because I can't work out where everyone is and how fast they are going. All of this conspires to put an end to eldest's art lessons, unless hubby takes her. Since she's less than keen anyway I think they'll have to stop. Particularly since we're completely broke now.
So driving at night is pretty much going to have to end for me. I get the bus to our new church on Sunday evenings, that works fine. Other stuff will have to be worked out.
Daytime wise I still use the car for stuff where it really is worth it and there's no choice of alternative transport, but apart from that, I've been availing us of West Yorkshire's extremely good value family day rovers and planning our route on buses and trains. We walk more , made it to Morrisons, the doctors and the library yesterday, over a mile each way, without too much whining!
I think the day will come where I'll give it up altogether, and if we ever move again, looking at public transport would be a huge factor in choosing where to live. For now I'm in a halfway position. It's not going to get any easier though, driving that is. And it's set to get even more expensive. But more and more things in life assume everyone can, and has use of a car. I was all set to go to Halifax to a counsellor and that's been scuppered, it's down an unlit lane on an evening. It gets a little bit easier though when any new things we start doing take my hatred of the car into account, eg from now on there's no way I'd even look at going to Halifax at night, therefore no disappointment.
When I step back the concept that we should all zoom round in metal boxes that kill lots of people, clog the place up, pollute the environment and cost us huge chunks of our money, is pretty silly. But without one you get left of of lots of stuff. I have to decide if that's ok or not. Plus there's my kids to consider too right now, in a few years they'll be more independent, I'll almost certainly not bother by then.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Activities
Have I ever blogged about my kids and their after school activities? I don't think so, or not for a long time.
Eldest went to a myriad of activities when she was little. Around the time she was in nursery and reception she tried ballet, disco, swimming, gymnastics and rainbows.
Disco was the only one of these things that was ok, she went with my friend and her son for a while. Ballet was an absolute disaster. She rocked under a chair in the corner, wouldn't even come out and sit on my knee, and was distraught if spoken to.
Swimming went ok but not brilliant. She hated the water. She was ok in the learner pool but wouldn't do anything resembling much swimming, kept her head well out and wouldn't lift her feet up. Rainbows likewise was ok but she didn't enjoy it and kept asking to leave so after a while I let her.
Gymnastics was the worst. She got so upset at that one she actually ended up covered ina rash from head to toe! No idea what that was, but I took her out thinking she was ill, only to find the rash disappeared immediately. Ho hum.
We pretty much gave up on it all apart from dipping in and out of swimming, if you'll pardon the pun. Then along came the boy.
When the boy got to about that sort of age it was, if anything, worse. He tried Karate but kept running out of the door, I kept having to catch him and take him back in. It was on a main road so I wasn't impressed. Plus Mrs Smug Mam Superbitch, my Arch Nemesis from up the road, happened to be dropping her two off just as he was clinging to my legs. Oh joy. I can still remember the sneer on her face.
The same happened at a summer sports day. I actually had to ring the people inside informing him that he was no longer under their care, he had turned up at my car just as I was leaving! At least by then eldest was staying at that, a bit happier because the same boy she'd swam with was there. Both big kids still swam on and off, they seemed to reasonably join in though neither could swim at all yet.
Boys Brigade was the worst with Son. He didn't want to go after a couple of tries but we made the foolish decision to try to encourage him. He walked in the next week, stormed up to some display they had at the front, and kicked the whole thing over!! He was six at the time, about to leave year two. Oh my goodness me. It was about a year after that when we pulled him out of school, the girls too. It was more about him that them.
We never tried anything again for years, he's only just started scouts now at ten. He also goes to a church group now which is unbelievable amounts of socialising for a child of ours! He doesn't like the Sunday school at our new church, prefers to stay in the service, and is happy to listen to the sermon. We know better than to force him. He learned how to swim evenutally, we paid for a one off block of four private lessons when he just wasn't taking his last toe off the bottom and that cracked it.
Eldest eventually started Brownies at age eight, bit later than the others, and settled right up until we moved to Yorkshire when she didn't like her new Guides. She swam after a lot of lessons over the years. She goes into Sunday school and does art on Mondays with a couple of other home educated kids. We all go to a craft group together about once a month. It's very small which suits them.
Second daughter, however, went the other way. She was happy to go to dancing when she was little, I wouldn't've considered it but her little friend was going. She didn't like it when she got a bit older and they started talking about exams all the time. But she's less keen now if anything. She hated brownies. We managed to persuade her to try Sunday school because she hates sermons and fidgets in church, but it's been a struggle. The fact that they told her there'd be maltesers worked this week! She'll only go to the midweek Church group if her brother is going too. That's at the church we used to go to. A kind lady drives past on her way home and offers to drop them back, but that's the end of the world for dd2. She likes us to pick her up.
At swimming she wouldn't even get in the water. Now that the big two can swim, and she can reach the bottom comfortably, I just take them myself. We go most weeks with a lovely Portuguese family in Leeds. I'll reassess in a couple of years but actually she can now do a metre or so with no floatation aids so I think she'll get there that way.
I don't know what I've done to create such kids! Thankfully the real dramatics were years ago, these days we have a bit of reluctance but we don't push it.
Fourth child is now four. She saw some ballet on TV the other day. The following conversation then took place.
'Can I do ballet?' (twirling about the kitchen.)
'Maybe. There's a different type of dancing in the village if you'd like to give it a try.'
'No Mammy! You don't understand. I don't want to go to anything. I want to watch it and play it at home! I'm a stay at home person!'
'That's fine.'
Maybe I've finally gained some wisdom! It's only taken twelve years.
Eldest went to a myriad of activities when she was little. Around the time she was in nursery and reception she tried ballet, disco, swimming, gymnastics and rainbows.
Disco was the only one of these things that was ok, she went with my friend and her son for a while. Ballet was an absolute disaster. She rocked under a chair in the corner, wouldn't even come out and sit on my knee, and was distraught if spoken to.
Swimming went ok but not brilliant. She hated the water. She was ok in the learner pool but wouldn't do anything resembling much swimming, kept her head well out and wouldn't lift her feet up. Rainbows likewise was ok but she didn't enjoy it and kept asking to leave so after a while I let her.
Gymnastics was the worst. She got so upset at that one she actually ended up covered ina rash from head to toe! No idea what that was, but I took her out thinking she was ill, only to find the rash disappeared immediately. Ho hum.
We pretty much gave up on it all apart from dipping in and out of swimming, if you'll pardon the pun. Then along came the boy.
When the boy got to about that sort of age it was, if anything, worse. He tried Karate but kept running out of the door, I kept having to catch him and take him back in. It was on a main road so I wasn't impressed. Plus Mrs Smug Mam Superbitch, my Arch Nemesis from up the road, happened to be dropping her two off just as he was clinging to my legs. Oh joy. I can still remember the sneer on her face.
The same happened at a summer sports day. I actually had to ring the people inside informing him that he was no longer under their care, he had turned up at my car just as I was leaving! At least by then eldest was staying at that, a bit happier because the same boy she'd swam with was there. Both big kids still swam on and off, they seemed to reasonably join in though neither could swim at all yet.
Boys Brigade was the worst with Son. He didn't want to go after a couple of tries but we made the foolish decision to try to encourage him. He walked in the next week, stormed up to some display they had at the front, and kicked the whole thing over!! He was six at the time, about to leave year two. Oh my goodness me. It was about a year after that when we pulled him out of school, the girls too. It was more about him that them.
We never tried anything again for years, he's only just started scouts now at ten. He also goes to a church group now which is unbelievable amounts of socialising for a child of ours! He doesn't like the Sunday school at our new church, prefers to stay in the service, and is happy to listen to the sermon. We know better than to force him. He learned how to swim evenutally, we paid for a one off block of four private lessons when he just wasn't taking his last toe off the bottom and that cracked it.
Eldest eventually started Brownies at age eight, bit later than the others, and settled right up until we moved to Yorkshire when she didn't like her new Guides. She swam after a lot of lessons over the years. She goes into Sunday school and does art on Mondays with a couple of other home educated kids. We all go to a craft group together about once a month. It's very small which suits them.
Second daughter, however, went the other way. She was happy to go to dancing when she was little, I wouldn't've considered it but her little friend was going. She didn't like it when she got a bit older and they started talking about exams all the time. But she's less keen now if anything. She hated brownies. We managed to persuade her to try Sunday school because she hates sermons and fidgets in church, but it's been a struggle. The fact that they told her there'd be maltesers worked this week! She'll only go to the midweek Church group if her brother is going too. That's at the church we used to go to. A kind lady drives past on her way home and offers to drop them back, but that's the end of the world for dd2. She likes us to pick her up.
At swimming she wouldn't even get in the water. Now that the big two can swim, and she can reach the bottom comfortably, I just take them myself. We go most weeks with a lovely Portuguese family in Leeds. I'll reassess in a couple of years but actually she can now do a metre or so with no floatation aids so I think she'll get there that way.
I don't know what I've done to create such kids! Thankfully the real dramatics were years ago, these days we have a bit of reluctance but we don't push it.
Fourth child is now four. She saw some ballet on TV the other day. The following conversation then took place.
'Can I do ballet?' (twirling about the kitchen.)
'Maybe. There's a different type of dancing in the village if you'd like to give it a try.'
'No Mammy! You don't understand. I don't want to go to anything. I want to watch it and play it at home! I'm a stay at home person!'
'That's fine.'
Maybe I've finally gained some wisdom! It's only taken twelve years.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Money/car woes
Ok, so last time I posted I had money safely in two savings accounts, and a car with a light on the dash that I was ignoring - who needs traction control anyway? Car was also a bit sluggish and refusing to restart when still warm the first time. I was happily burying my head in the sand. Couldn't afford to use it much anyway with diesel at £1.30 a litre.
Anyway, now I have virtually nothing in savings and a car that's got lots of new bits in it. A new turbo, traction control fixed because after all if the kids died because I skidded would I forgive myself easily? Plus it's the same warning light for when the ABS goes and we wouldn't know if it was already on.
And now no holiday this year. Or nice things at all. We've overspent as well, which has become a bigger issue with the car bill. Need to seriously just stop. So ironically still can't buy much diesel! Fixed up car sitting, well, for now still sitting in the repair place, hubby is picking it up later, I assume nothing else went wrong!!
Bye bye New York next year. It feels as if God really doesn't want me to go there! Maybe it's just not right.
Bye bye taking the kids to France, possibly indefinitely. I wish I could switch off my itchy feet. There's a whole world out there and I've been to Milan once, Toulouse once, Paris once, Champagne, Belfast and...that's about it. But that's the decision you make when you decide to Home Educate I suppose. I could put them all in school now and from next year only two of the four would need after school club fees which is a huge milestone, before now school and working would cost more than home educating.
We've really been enjoying our new church. If we can afford the diesel to go the six miles it would be nice to continue there at least for now. So far it seems more accepting, a divorced remarried woman was there last week, that would have been a huge no no at the other church.
Water and bread for the next year or so then. And a machine on the drive I can't afford to use much. Pah!!! Ok rant over, time to look at the positives.
We probably will manage to get into Huddersfield to church. I live in a gorgeous village and don't have to go anywhere for walks in relative countryside. Beer is very cheap in the Lidl which is just a mile away. Clothes seem to arrive at the door for the children, someone put a jacket for the youngest through the letterbox this morning! And I'm going to Glasgow to stay with a friend for £20 going and £5.50 coming back, at a push we can run to more of those sorts of trips. So I stay sane, wanderlust partially quenched. We have a beer festival right here in the village, and a folk festival a couple of miles away where hopefully, while I can't afford the proper thing I'll be able to get to the fringe stuff, I've been promised dancing in the streets!!
I have a roof over my head that's still affordable since they made us remortgage over 25 years, and I have a box of wine in the fridge. And my kids are great.
So life is good...I think! I will stay positive.
Anyway, now I have virtually nothing in savings and a car that's got lots of new bits in it. A new turbo, traction control fixed because after all if the kids died because I skidded would I forgive myself easily? Plus it's the same warning light for when the ABS goes and we wouldn't know if it was already on.
And now no holiday this year. Or nice things at all. We've overspent as well, which has become a bigger issue with the car bill. Need to seriously just stop. So ironically still can't buy much diesel! Fixed up car sitting, well, for now still sitting in the repair place, hubby is picking it up later, I assume nothing else went wrong!!
Bye bye New York next year. It feels as if God really doesn't want me to go there! Maybe it's just not right.
Bye bye taking the kids to France, possibly indefinitely. I wish I could switch off my itchy feet. There's a whole world out there and I've been to Milan once, Toulouse once, Paris once, Champagne, Belfast and...that's about it. But that's the decision you make when you decide to Home Educate I suppose. I could put them all in school now and from next year only two of the four would need after school club fees which is a huge milestone, before now school and working would cost more than home educating.
We've really been enjoying our new church. If we can afford the diesel to go the six miles it would be nice to continue there at least for now. So far it seems more accepting, a divorced remarried woman was there last week, that would have been a huge no no at the other church.
Water and bread for the next year or so then. And a machine on the drive I can't afford to use much. Pah!!! Ok rant over, time to look at the positives.
We probably will manage to get into Huddersfield to church. I live in a gorgeous village and don't have to go anywhere for walks in relative countryside. Beer is very cheap in the Lidl which is just a mile away. Clothes seem to arrive at the door for the children, someone put a jacket for the youngest through the letterbox this morning! And I'm going to Glasgow to stay with a friend for £20 going and £5.50 coming back, at a push we can run to more of those sorts of trips. So I stay sane, wanderlust partially quenched. We have a beer festival right here in the village, and a folk festival a couple of miles away where hopefully, while I can't afford the proper thing I'll be able to get to the fringe stuff, I've been promised dancing in the streets!!
I have a roof over my head that's still affordable since they made us remortgage over 25 years, and I have a box of wine in the fridge. And my kids are great.
So life is good...I think! I will stay positive.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
BLASTING people
Life feels a lot better today. Kids have played Cluedo and moved on to Monopoly. Ex friend has blogged about me at least once more but I'm past caring, have reinstated my Livejournal account with a post with comments disabled (I'm not going to get into online mudslinging) asking anyone with a problem with me to send me a private message. I need an account over there to see the blogs of people I've got to know, and I don't want to cut them all of because of one person really.
No idea what will happen with a couple of mutual friends I know in real life. There's one I particularly liked in Manchester with a baby that I wouldn't like to lose, we meet up for coffee occasionally but more recently always with ex friend there too, and another in Wales. But if they're worth it they'll come through for me.
The online friends don't matter so much, not to diss anyone here at all, but I really think you can't get to know someone until you meet them. I've heard stories of online friends meeting going really well, one couple got married, and others going really badly. You don't know which it's going to be until you meet so best to keep an open mind. I've heard more good stories than bad, I do like the internet a lot. But there has to be a degree of caution, and understanding that from the typed word you can't really grab the true essence of a person in most cases.
Anyway, I'm blogging again today because I wanted to share something called 'Blast' with you all. When you're angry with someone you 'Blast' them.
This isn't what it sounds like, or probably what you feel like doing. BLAST stands for Bless, Love, Appreciate, Sorry and Thankyou! A friend recommended it to me yesterday.
I do think it's important to feel the anger to some degree when people do hurtful things. But there comes a point where that becomes destructive, at some point there needs to be a letting go, and forgiveness. Otherwise you're destroying your own mental health, probably your other relationships, and may get an ulcer on top.
I probably haven't finished 'feeling the anger' this time round, but last night I needed to move on and make tea. This method led to me feeling a lot calmer, and still ok today.
Here's the information as I received it.
Isn't that something? "I love you" is one-third of the BLA BLA BLA technique. I bless you. I love you. I appreciate you.
And you use this with other people and with yourself.
I was getting outrageous results doing this on myself, my business, friends, other people, and so on, when my friend Dr. Alexandra Gayek (founder of The Science of Being Well NETwork, where you can get another wonderful Wattles book FREE) told me about Dr. Len's amazing success with mental patients.
So I started adding his two additional statements, "I'm sorry" and "Thank you." That turned BLA BLA BLA into BLAST. And now I think it's an even more powerful process.
First, you hold the image of the person or situation you're "blasting" in your mind and try to see them the way you believe their Source (God/Spirit/Formless) sees them. In other words, you don't see ANYTHING "wrong" with them. Instead you hold the vision of perfection, joy, and all things good.
Then, you smile -- and just as you don't have to really "mean" the words when you begin, you don't have to feel like smiling either. You just do it. (And just choosing to put your face in the form of a smile actually DOES make you start to feel better than you were before.)
Then you "blast" 'em -- again and again and again. I blast myself a LOT, all day long. I blast my businesses and everyone connected to them in any way. I blast my friends and family. I blast everything that seems wonderful to me and everything that, in the moment, seems perhaps a little less than what I want.
And I am finding that everything and everyone around me are definitely getting better and better.
Love & blessings, and, of course--EXPECT Success!
--------------------
Instead of just mentally saying to anyone, "You have the right to think, say, or do what you want," how about this? I have no right to judge you for anything at any time for any reason.
--------------
Q: In a specific instance, how far do I take it?
A: You say to the Holy Spirit or to Jesus; or whomever you feel you are talking to: "What would you have me do?" If you find yourself getting upset by the person's problem, whatever the level is, then before you ask Him what you should do, you should ask His help that your perception be healed. That is what is meant by "the only meaningful prayer is for forgiveness" (text, p. 40; T-3.V6:3). You first ask that He help you shift from the ego's way of looking to His way of looking, and then you say, "What would you have me do? What would be the most loving way for me to act at this point?" And then you do it. You first try to be aware of your own interference. Again, whether someone's sickness brings out a lot of pity in you, guilt, pain, or hurt, or whether someone's behavioral characteristics bring out a lot of anger in you -- that is what you pray for help with. And then say, "What would be the most loving thing for me to do? What would you have me do?" Whatever words you want to use are fine, but you certainly do not deny what you see. This is not a course in denial. In fact, the text says, in a passage I read from earlier, that it is almost impossible to deny one's physical experience in this world. It is not suggesting that we do that, because the next line says that this is a particularly unworthy form of denial (text, p. 20; T-2. IV.3:8-11).
No idea what will happen with a couple of mutual friends I know in real life. There's one I particularly liked in Manchester with a baby that I wouldn't like to lose, we meet up for coffee occasionally but more recently always with ex friend there too, and another in Wales. But if they're worth it they'll come through for me.
The online friends don't matter so much, not to diss anyone here at all, but I really think you can't get to know someone until you meet them. I've heard stories of online friends meeting going really well, one couple got married, and others going really badly. You don't know which it's going to be until you meet so best to keep an open mind. I've heard more good stories than bad, I do like the internet a lot. But there has to be a degree of caution, and understanding that from the typed word you can't really grab the true essence of a person in most cases.
Anyway, I'm blogging again today because I wanted to share something called 'Blast' with you all. When you're angry with someone you 'Blast' them.
This isn't what it sounds like, or probably what you feel like doing. BLAST stands for Bless, Love, Appreciate, Sorry and Thankyou! A friend recommended it to me yesterday.
I do think it's important to feel the anger to some degree when people do hurtful things. But there comes a point where that becomes destructive, at some point there needs to be a letting go, and forgiveness. Otherwise you're destroying your own mental health, probably your other relationships, and may get an ulcer on top.
I probably haven't finished 'feeling the anger' this time round, but last night I needed to move on and make tea. This method led to me feeling a lot calmer, and still ok today.
Here's the information as I received it.
Isn't that something? "I love you" is one-third of the BLA BLA BLA technique. I bless you. I love you. I appreciate you.
And you use this with other people and with yourself.
I was getting outrageous results doing this on myself, my business, friends, other people, and so on, when my friend Dr. Alexandra Gayek (founder of The Science of Being Well NETwork, where you can get another wonderful Wattles book FREE) told me about Dr. Len's amazing success with mental patients.
So I started adding his two additional statements, "I'm sorry" and "Thank you." That turned BLA BLA BLA into BLAST. And now I think it's an even more powerful process.
First, you hold the image of the person or situation you're "blasting" in your mind and try to see them the way you believe their Source (God/Spirit/Formless) sees them. In other words, you don't see ANYTHING "wrong" with them. Instead you hold the vision of perfection, joy, and all things good.
Then, you smile -- and just as you don't have to really "mean" the words when you begin, you don't have to feel like smiling either. You just do it. (And just choosing to put your face in the form of a smile actually DOES make you start to feel better than you were before.)
Then you "blast" 'em -- again and again and again. I blast myself a LOT, all day long. I blast my businesses and everyone connected to them in any way. I blast my friends and family. I blast everything that seems wonderful to me and everything that, in the moment, seems perhaps a little less than what I want.
And I am finding that everything and everyone around me are definitely getting better and better.
Love & blessings, and, of course--EXPECT Success!
--------------------
Instead of just mentally saying to anyone, "You have the right to think, say, or do what you want," how about this? I have no right to judge you for anything at any time for any reason.
--------------
Q: In a specific instance, how far do I take it?
A: You say to the Holy Spirit or to Jesus; or whomever you feel you are talking to: "What would you have me do?" If you find yourself getting upset by the person's problem, whatever the level is, then before you ask Him what you should do, you should ask His help that your perception be healed. That is what is meant by "the only meaningful prayer is for forgiveness" (text, p. 40; T-3.V6:3). You first ask that He help you shift from the ego's way of looking to His way of looking, and then you say, "What would you have me do? What would be the most loving way for me to act at this point?" And then you do it. You first try to be aware of your own interference. Again, whether someone's sickness brings out a lot of pity in you, guilt, pain, or hurt, or whether someone's behavioral characteristics bring out a lot of anger in you -- that is what you pray for help with. And then say, "What would be the most loving thing for me to do? What would you have me do?" Whatever words you want to use are fine, but you certainly do not deny what you see. This is not a course in denial. In fact, the text says, in a passage I read from earlier, that it is almost impossible to deny one's physical experience in this world. It is not suggesting that we do that, because the next line says that this is a particularly unworthy form of denial (text, p. 20; T-2. IV.3:8-11).
Friday, January 21, 2011
Friend Rant
I argued with a friend. It wasn't even serious, and it should have been put right straight away, I tried.
Except she decided to blog about me to 'Carefully selected mutual friends' (her words). She's a huge fan of Livejournal where you have 'friends' like facebook and set each post to various levels of security.
She has about 200 friends there, so about 190 strangers can see the rant about me, then, damn damn damn, ten or so friends. Some of whom I like.
She blocked me so I can't see it. But news travels, words have wings. I don't know exactly what it says but I know she named me, and she accused me of not listening and rejecting her. By the time she posted it I'd attempted to be very accepting indeed. Several times.
This is a girl I know in person, not over the internet. Some of the mutual friends are internet acquaintances but I know two in person, was going to meet up with them in a couple of weeks actually. None of them have any knowledge of this blog, and nobody I know here has met them, so I'm not doing the same in return here.
Am I being childish, being so upset about this? An argument being broadcast to mutual friends and I wasn't supposed to know? I feel violated. It's too easy these days, with the click of a mouse, to broadcast everything to lots of people.
Maybe it's not the worst breach of trust ever now I type it out. But it's left a horrible taste in my mouth. I don't like it.
She poked my issues too over a friend I fell out with a few years ago, a much closer friend, which was a lot more serious. That friend used 'psycho-babble', Counsellor-speak, to justify anything she liked. Yesterday this new friend did the same. 'I couldn't listen to you. It's just that I always pushed my pain way down deep in the past, by acknowledging your pain I'd be pushing my pain down.' The minute that started I was, like, 'ARRGGHH, get me out of here!' Too familiar.
The talking about me to mutual friends is very familiar too, and last time round it caused loads of damage, people I'd trusted, really mature Christians in their 50s, turned up on my doorstep to tell me off about a load of twisted half truths. It was weeks later too when I was thinking it was blowing over. This time round all our mutual friends are just 'girls', nobody like that. But it still frightens me, makes me want to cut them all off now to spare myself more pain later. They're not really as important to me as all that yet, get rid of them now while it doesn't hurt as much. Which is stupid, they haven't behaved like my former 'mature' friends at all. Yet...
So loads of rubbishy issues there. As is normal for me. But the idea of blog post(s) ranting about me out there is really, really getting to me, I'm furious.
Do I forgive her and try to repair things when I've calmed down? Could I trust her with my friendship? Do I plod on with mutual friends as though nothing's happening? Do I stoop to her level and rant to them? (Why can I never do that?!)
Right now I'm off to take it out on a load of potatoes and cheese.
Except she decided to blog about me to 'Carefully selected mutual friends' (her words). She's a huge fan of Livejournal where you have 'friends' like facebook and set each post to various levels of security.
She has about 200 friends there, so about 190 strangers can see the rant about me, then, damn damn damn, ten or so friends. Some of whom I like.
She blocked me so I can't see it. But news travels, words have wings. I don't know exactly what it says but I know she named me, and she accused me of not listening and rejecting her. By the time she posted it I'd attempted to be very accepting indeed. Several times.
This is a girl I know in person, not over the internet. Some of the mutual friends are internet acquaintances but I know two in person, was going to meet up with them in a couple of weeks actually. None of them have any knowledge of this blog, and nobody I know here has met them, so I'm not doing the same in return here.
Am I being childish, being so upset about this? An argument being broadcast to mutual friends and I wasn't supposed to know? I feel violated. It's too easy these days, with the click of a mouse, to broadcast everything to lots of people.
Maybe it's not the worst breach of trust ever now I type it out. But it's left a horrible taste in my mouth. I don't like it.
She poked my issues too over a friend I fell out with a few years ago, a much closer friend, which was a lot more serious. That friend used 'psycho-babble', Counsellor-speak, to justify anything she liked. Yesterday this new friend did the same. 'I couldn't listen to you. It's just that I always pushed my pain way down deep in the past, by acknowledging your pain I'd be pushing my pain down.' The minute that started I was, like, 'ARRGGHH, get me out of here!' Too familiar.
The talking about me to mutual friends is very familiar too, and last time round it caused loads of damage, people I'd trusted, really mature Christians in their 50s, turned up on my doorstep to tell me off about a load of twisted half truths. It was weeks later too when I was thinking it was blowing over. This time round all our mutual friends are just 'girls', nobody like that. But it still frightens me, makes me want to cut them all off now to spare myself more pain later. They're not really as important to me as all that yet, get rid of them now while it doesn't hurt as much. Which is stupid, they haven't behaved like my former 'mature' friends at all. Yet...
So loads of rubbishy issues there. As is normal for me. But the idea of blog post(s) ranting about me out there is really, really getting to me, I'm furious.
Do I forgive her and try to repair things when I've calmed down? Could I trust her with my friendship? Do I plod on with mutual friends as though nothing's happening? Do I stoop to her level and rant to them? (Why can I never do that?!)
Right now I'm off to take it out on a load of potatoes and cheese.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Trains
We've had a fabulous day in York today, going on the train. We went to the National Railway Museum, then we used our tickets from August to go into the Minster for an hour. Finally we walked down the Shambles, which the boy loves,t hen bought a new frying pan in Lakeland :)
Home Education is fab. The kids are free to be as dorky as I am. 'Oh, I love it here,' the boy oozed as he drooled over the trains. Youngest was fascinated by train toilets, loved being lifted up to peer at the posh ones in the Royal trains. Heehee!
Home Education is fab. The kids are free to be as dorky as I am. 'Oh, I love it here,' the boy oozed as he drooled over the trains. Youngest was fascinated by train toilets, loved being lifted up to peer at the posh ones in the Royal trains. Heehee!
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