Hiding in Church part two

Today we tried an Elim church, Pentecostal and bible believing. It seemed great, as far as you can tell on the first visit.

I still feel like hiding away for now , and a bit tired of church, and of differing opinions on what being a Christian is. Sitting in the Elim was somehow exhausting, and it would be impossible to hide in a place like that.

I don't know what we'll do. Would quite like to do nothing for a while, actually.

Dinner for thirteen :-)

We've had a fabulous day today with some visitors from up North, including Steph

Note to Self...

...when fiddling with Blog in order to avoid boring chores, and adding a link to old blog (see right) DO NOT head over there and read from the beginning!!

*Sniffles and reaches for a tissue*

Hiding in Church

I've found church life really hard since we moved here. We have pretty much decided that the independent evangelical church (does that need capitals? Independent Evangelical??) that we've been attending is not for us.

Dad has completely different reasons from me, though stemming from the same issues, if that makes sense. He has only belatedly come to this decision. I've felt that way for some time. Probably since we started really if I'm honest. The last time we went was Boxing Day, and I felt like a tonne weight was sitting on me the whole way through, kind of oppressive. So I'm relieved he's agreeing with me, though he'd never use such imagery as tonne weights.

Part of my problem, not his, is that I've become friends with several gay people. I didn't really give the issue much thought before, if I'm totally honest it got my hackles up when people at church said it was wrong, but since it wasn't relevant I didn't think too long or too hard. Now actually talking to people, who actually don't really want to be gay, they just are, has led me to question and dig into the Bible and church traditions.

I've found this blog a source of help.

That wasn't the only thing. The whole setup was just too rigid. We can't follow rules and get into heaven that way. sure they preached Redemption through the Blood of Jesus...but with a clear understanding that to be saved, once you'd accepted Jesus you had to keep all these rules. And I just can't. I never could. I'm fully dependent on Jesus, and if he wasn't who he is he'd say 'go away disgusting slime ball' to me. But he died for slime balls. So I plod on. My relationship with him is struggling though, I feel a bit burdened down with it all. Too much going on. too much to think about.

I'd quite like to go back to my Anglican roots. Dad's not keen though, it's too alien for him. I spent three and a half precious years in an Anglican church starting at age 14. I accepted Jesus and worshipped him there. I grew up there really, I was a very young 14 so made the transition from child to young adult, with the adolescent years in between. I've visited my Village Parish Church a few times recently and the words are so comforting and familiar, and if you stop and think about them, meaningful.

Plus my gay friends would be officially welcomed and not asked to stop practising.

Anyway, today we didn't go anywhere this morning, then this evening I felt the need to go somewhere to worship, so I decided I'd pop back along to Dewsbury Minster, where we went to see the cribs the other day. I snuck in wanting to remain anonymous, and sat next to the lovely crib on stilts from Laos, pic above. But unfortunately I'd forgotten one crucial thing about Anglicanism.

Part way through, like it or not, you have to turn and shake hands with every Tom Dick and Harry around you, and wish them peace.

Well, technically there's no obligation. But you'd stand out far more if you either ran, or sat down with your hands in your lap glaring and making it clear you didn't wish to take part!

Not that I didn't wish everyone the Lord's peace, don't get me wrong. But oh, dear me. I had to really become part of it, not a stranger in the corner.

Anyway, another thing I hadn't factored in was that Yorkshire people are just so, so lovely. And down to earth. So it really wasn't a problem, all these nice folk looking genuinely pleased to see me. The Head Honcho Minster Vicar (hang on, looking up his proper term..) ahem - the Rector even came from the front to shake my hand and say it was lovely to have me! The men who were singing behind were extremely friendly.

Then of course, as happens in the most undesirable of circumstances, all my cards fell out of my purse when I was digging for cash for the collection. Blush. I was so glad then that we'd had the Peace, and I knew these folk were OK, weren't all that likely to be looking on in scorn!

Then we all shuffled forward for Communion. The worship was amazing throughout, after they'd received the choir sang something in harmony.

I have to say that, sitting down, I felt the Presence of God for the first time in ages. I'd like to go back. I probably will sometime.

The Vicar who'd taken the service shook my hand on the way out and I was then obliged to say something about why I was there. In a nice way, she just kind of enquired 'Have we met?'

Thankfully 'I came to see the cribs and I liked it here' seemed to satisfy her and I was able to leave, friendly Yorkshire folk saying goodnight of course.

So, I have no idea what's going to happen as I try to plod on with God. But I had a lovely time tonight, feel very blessed by that.

Sleeping

I was incredibly tired on New Years eve, which I put down to too much partying. We'd been up late talking to a houseguest the night before, then I'd been trampling the streets of York all day.

It didn't seem to pass though. Still hasn't. And now I have a temperature and a lot of pain. The boy isn't too well either.

I'd been blaming myself for my tiredness. I should have more energy, I should be able to get up early...maybe I'm just well out of touch with my body somehow.

The girls have still done some work. I feel the need to share that, there's always the fear there that somebody's judging me, thinking I get nothing done! We'll do a little bit more this afternoon.

While I'm on the subject of feeling judged, my house isn't really the best for this life. I love my new village, I really do. But they just don't 'get it' with home education. And I live just in front of the nursery, and you can see all the way through my house from front and back. I also really love my greengrocer, but I hear from her, via the nursery folk, when we haven't had our curtains open early enough!

I wouldn't go back to my old house for anything, but I wish I could wheel this one a little further down the road. Just a hundred metres would make a world of difference!

That still wouldn't solve the fact that I like making friends with people here in the village, yet because of that they knew when I was going away a whole lot in the summer, and commented that we don't get enough done. Oh dear. Yes, I did go away a lot, I won't be lucky enough to be away that much again. But I think the kids are ok really, they got quite a lot out of our trips, most of which were with other people.

Ok, enough complaining. I love the village really, don't ever want to leave it. Just need to adjust, and develop a thicker skin.

And forgive myself for the occasional day when I'm genuinely not well.

Back to it...

...or time to 'Get 'er done!' as a friend said on facebook about January the other day :-D

Seriously, we tried to get back to work today. And did pretty well really, some Maths was done, then some English, even a bit of American History. If the day really goes well, Science may even take place this afternoon.

Eldest isn't in a good mood though. Every first day back she shouts at me over her Maths. Today I did better than previous terms, I stayed calm. I wasn't too pleased when Second Eldest then kicked the Christmas tree in protest over his English, but again I stayed calm, helped by the fact that Eldest was by then quite happy.

Sometimes, though, I feel like we should get danger money.

Girls are engaging well with a map of the US that's temporarily on the window, they put it there. The Boy claims to hate all things American, but he did at least sit through our History, and isn't ripping the map down and stamping on it. This is progress! as is the fact he eventually did his English, when he was in school he was unmoveable.

We had a fabulous time with friends at a Crib exhibition yesterday Again, I couldn't have taken them to soemthing like that without some sort of riot a couple of years ago. We really have moved on.

Today, though, it doesn't feel like it.

Don't suppose that danger money is a feasible option with all the Tory cuts? No? Right then, next best thing, off to make more coffee.

Apples and Pears

I am really the most ridiculous pear shape these days. I just went swimming and was blessed with a full length mirror view of myself lol.

I have British size 8 shoulders, 34B bust, size ten waist, stomach not too bad, could be better but not horrendous. Then huge size 12/14 bum and hips. And cellulite, of course. I look exactly like the conference pear I just scoffed, except not as green. To give even more personal information I'm 5'5" and currently 142 pounds, but with teeny wrists, shoulders and ankles indicating small bones that's quite a lot.

I'm actually quite pleased with my shape, I battled anorexia for years and years, and have had a really good run for quite along time now. It's a nice change, bit of a novelty, to see some curves in that full length mirror, even if they are all on the bottom half of me.

So, to various people who said things to me like 'cake is evil' (well, not in so many words but try..) 'don't eat sweets! they are bad for you! (shouted in my face when I was eating them on a rare occasion after my birthday at a fairly young age, in a controlled fashion after a meal) or the old chestnut 'Don't eat cake! don't eat biscuits! Your Aunty did and she got horribly fat!' (ouch, poor Aunty)..

..Also to various other people who removed everything fattening from the entire house, no biscuits at all by the time I was about 15, no cake, nothing much in the fridge just a half jar of half fat mayo, no snacks (not a great deal of fruit either as I recall)...to various unnamed people who despite being seven stone seven pounds and getting shaky from lack of food an awful lot but wouldn't listen to anyone and eat more, needed the heating on top whack from October onwards...and on top of that put the fear of the devil in me over food hygiene so for years I've hardly been able to eat...

...to all those people... you totally suck and I've beaten you!! I now have more energy, feel warmer and catch fewer bugs. And I have lovely feminine curves rather than looking like a skeleton, which is more that you'll ever have.

So there! Go starve yourselves. as for me and my family, we're going to eat.

Ok, having said all that...I did pile on a few pounds over Christmas and could do with shedding a few really if I'm honest. Not uber starving, not going mad, not skipping meals, just getting a bit fitter (hence the swimming) and eating a bit healthier. Will see how I get on! Right, off to make some veggie pasta for tea,a nd some soup for tomorrow.